My favorite television show is Top Chef. The new season started last week and of course I have been watching it religiously. Tonight's episode sort of gave me the urge to vent a little bit. It is fairly obvious the show has quite a few of gays and lesbians, just as the culinary field does. The elimination challenge was to cater two parties; a bachelor party and a bachelorette party. The guys were responsible for catering the bachelorette party and the girls were responsible for the bachelor party. After their preparation, the day before the parties, a few lesbians started complaining about the challenge. They felt it was wrong they had to participate in it, because the homosexual caterers couldn't legally get married in most states in the U.S. Now, I can understand if they mentioned this once, but they said it quite a few times.
I'm not officially a part of the professional culinary world yet, but I think I have a fairly good grasp on it. As chefs, we experience various walks of like at restaurants as well as through catering. I would even bet to say the majority of the business a caterer gets is weddings. My point in saying this is it's not the fault of the people coming to the restaurant or asking for a certain company to cater their wedding, it's the fault of the government for allowing people to vote on the rights on a minority when there is such widespread bigotry and ignorance out there in regards to homosexuality. If you don't want to cater for a group of straight people getting married, you shouldn't be in the culinary field in the first place.
As a member of the gay community, I feel the primary message we want to get across is loving and acceptance of all. People are allowed to disagree with us and not have to fear persecution. That is the best thing about the United States. We have a long road ahead of us to fight for equality, but we shouldn't suppress and complain about one group of people just because we don't have the same rights as they do, particularly when we are catering for them.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Vacation!
Hopefully with this post I can catch up with my blog spots. I went back to work this past Friday after over two weeks off. It was a nice break. After Pride Float, a friend of mine from Canada that I had never met in person came to visit me. Donnie came here for nine days. Before he came I was a bit concerned that we would get into it with each other, but I didn't really think it would get as bad as it did.
A complaint most of my friends had was that he talked too much, which I completely agree with. He would talk about the most random of things and go on and on about things that no one really cared about. Donnie didn't have much tact either. One night we went out to a bar in Branson and he talked to a group of women that were sitting next to us about a drag show he did one night and a guy hitting on him. I think he forgot where he was, because that is not something that is a comfortable thing to discuss with random people in the states. To me, it was an interesting story the first time I heard it, but it got rather boring the fifth time it came around.
Although we did a few fun things while he was in town. On Tuesday when he first got in town, he flew into Kansas City. Brandon, Donnie and I went to a place called L.C.'s BBQ in the heart of Kansas City. I had heard of the restaurant while I was flying to Pittsburgh from KC a few months before. It was an interview by Iron Chef Cat Cora. She had recommended the restaurant and said it was one of the best BBQ places in the country. I can now attest to that fact. It was one of the best BBQ places I have ever been to in my life.
Thursday, Donnie and I went up to St. Louis so he could see the St. Louis Arch. We went up in the Arch, which was nice because I hadn't been up in it since I was a little kid. I was amazed with myself, because I have agoraphobia and it didn't affect me too badly. Although I felt a heightened level of anxiety, it never got to the point where I felt the need to escape, nor did I have any severe anxiety attacks. After we spent some time up in the Arch, we walked around downtown for a little bit to pass time and so Donnie could see some of downtown St. Louis. The All Star Game was played in St. Louis a week or two before we went down there, so they still had a lot of the exhibits outside and around Busch Stadium. I took a lot of pictures of all that stuff as it is a once in a lifetime sort of thing.
We got to St. Charles a little sooner than I had planned, so we went around the town and I showed Donnie he different places, such as where I lived and went to high school. It was sad going by the old house. It was the first time I had driven past there since my sister moved out a year or so before that. After spending some time in St. Charles, Donnie and I went to my friends Jody and Tyler's apartment so we could go out to dinner with them. We ended up going to the Pasta House. A little while after dinner, we headed back down to Springfield.
Branson was next on the agenda. Donnie and I went down to Branson on Thursday. We started the day in Branson at the Titanic Museum. It was a nice change of pace. I had wanted to go to the museum since I knew it was down there, but never really had a reason to go. At the beginning of our voyage through the museum, everyone is given a boarding pass that has a short biography of an actual passenger on the Titanic. You go through the Titanic exhibits and at the end of the museum you find out whether your passenger lived or died. I suspected my passenger was going to die. I suspected this, because they actually had a small exhibit of my actual passenger. He was seen trying to turn passengers to God before they could possibly die. He was a minister afterall, and was going to the United States to give a sermon. He ended up dying, but his 6 year-old daughter and sister survived the trip.
After the Titanic, we went to the Branson Landing to kill some time. We just walked around and did a little shopping before we headed to Dolly Parton's the Dixie Stampede. They served a fairly delicious meal at the Dixie Stampede. It consisted of each person getting a whole chicken, pork tenderloin, a potato, corn on the cob, broccoli soup and an apple turnover for dessert. The only real downfall to the meal was that we had to eat everything with our hands. The show was fun to watch. It took place during civil war times and had a north versus south type of mentality. There were different races involving horses and ponies, primarily made up of races. The south, which was the side we sat on, won! It was a fun day in Branson and had been a very long time since I had been to a show there. Although the prices for shows are rather steep, Dolly Parton's was fairly reasonable as it included a meal, where most other ones don't. For some family fun, I would recommend going. We were going to go to Silver Dollar City another day, but I just didn't have the money.
Saturday, a couple friends from St. Charles came down to visit me. We all met up with my friend Jessica that lives in Springfield and went to Cheddar's for dinner. Cheddars is one of my favorite restaurants in Springfield. After Cheddar's, we went back to my apartment for a little predrinking before going to Martha's Vineyard; one of the gay clubs in town. They were having a drag competition that night, so the cover was a bit steep, but we still had a great time. Strangely, I got really emotional when I drank that night, which never happens for me. I felt embarassed about getting emotional, because it was the first time one of my friends had seen me drinking and I didn't want her to think I was always like that.
Donnie ended up really pissing me off and I nearly kicked him out, but thought better of it because he wouldn't have had anywhere to go considering he didn't know anyone else. We didn't talk for most of Sunday, but ended up putting our differences aside and I took him to try some Springfield cashew chicken. My friends from St. Charles left Sunday morning.
Jessica and Sammie came over for dinner on Monday night. I made crab cakes which were very good to say the least. I made that along with a roasted red pepper dipping sauce from scratch, which was also very good. I was afraid it wouldn't be good to me, because it had ingredients I had never had before as well as sour cream and mayonnaise, which I am not a big fan of.
A couple days later we headed back up to Kansas City to hang out with Annie and Brandon before Donnie had to head to his next destination. Donnie and I didn't really talk much after the incident on Saturday, and when we did, we tended to snap at each other. It was nice when he finally left on Thursday, although I had to wake up at 4:30 in the morning to take him to the airport. After I dropped him off, I headed back down to Springfield. I returned to work on that Friday.
A complaint most of my friends had was that he talked too much, which I completely agree with. He would talk about the most random of things and go on and on about things that no one really cared about. Donnie didn't have much tact either. One night we went out to a bar in Branson and he talked to a group of women that were sitting next to us about a drag show he did one night and a guy hitting on him. I think he forgot where he was, because that is not something that is a comfortable thing to discuss with random people in the states. To me, it was an interesting story the first time I heard it, but it got rather boring the fifth time it came around.
Although we did a few fun things while he was in town. On Tuesday when he first got in town, he flew into Kansas City. Brandon, Donnie and I went to a place called L.C.'s BBQ in the heart of Kansas City. I had heard of the restaurant while I was flying to Pittsburgh from KC a few months before. It was an interview by Iron Chef Cat Cora. She had recommended the restaurant and said it was one of the best BBQ places in the country. I can now attest to that fact. It was one of the best BBQ places I have ever been to in my life.
Thursday, Donnie and I went up to St. Louis so he could see the St. Louis Arch. We went up in the Arch, which was nice because I hadn't been up in it since I was a little kid. I was amazed with myself, because I have agoraphobia and it didn't affect me too badly. Although I felt a heightened level of anxiety, it never got to the point where I felt the need to escape, nor did I have any severe anxiety attacks. After we spent some time up in the Arch, we walked around downtown for a little bit to pass time and so Donnie could see some of downtown St. Louis. The All Star Game was played in St. Louis a week or two before we went down there, so they still had a lot of the exhibits outside and around Busch Stadium. I took a lot of pictures of all that stuff as it is a once in a lifetime sort of thing.
We got to St. Charles a little sooner than I had planned, so we went around the town and I showed Donnie he different places, such as where I lived and went to high school. It was sad going by the old house. It was the first time I had driven past there since my sister moved out a year or so before that. After spending some time in St. Charles, Donnie and I went to my friends Jody and Tyler's apartment so we could go out to dinner with them. We ended up going to the Pasta House. A little while after dinner, we headed back down to Springfield.
Branson was next on the agenda. Donnie and I went down to Branson on Thursday. We started the day in Branson at the Titanic Museum. It was a nice change of pace. I had wanted to go to the museum since I knew it was down there, but never really had a reason to go. At the beginning of our voyage through the museum, everyone is given a boarding pass that has a short biography of an actual passenger on the Titanic. You go through the Titanic exhibits and at the end of the museum you find out whether your passenger lived or died. I suspected my passenger was going to die. I suspected this, because they actually had a small exhibit of my actual passenger. He was seen trying to turn passengers to God before they could possibly die. He was a minister afterall, and was going to the United States to give a sermon. He ended up dying, but his 6 year-old daughter and sister survived the trip.
After the Titanic, we went to the Branson Landing to kill some time. We just walked around and did a little shopping before we headed to Dolly Parton's the Dixie Stampede. They served a fairly delicious meal at the Dixie Stampede. It consisted of each person getting a whole chicken, pork tenderloin, a potato, corn on the cob, broccoli soup and an apple turnover for dessert. The only real downfall to the meal was that we had to eat everything with our hands. The show was fun to watch. It took place during civil war times and had a north versus south type of mentality. There were different races involving horses and ponies, primarily made up of races. The south, which was the side we sat on, won! It was a fun day in Branson and had been a very long time since I had been to a show there. Although the prices for shows are rather steep, Dolly Parton's was fairly reasonable as it included a meal, where most other ones don't. For some family fun, I would recommend going. We were going to go to Silver Dollar City another day, but I just didn't have the money.
Saturday, a couple friends from St. Charles came down to visit me. We all met up with my friend Jessica that lives in Springfield and went to Cheddar's for dinner. Cheddars is one of my favorite restaurants in Springfield. After Cheddar's, we went back to my apartment for a little predrinking before going to Martha's Vineyard; one of the gay clubs in town. They were having a drag competition that night, so the cover was a bit steep, but we still had a great time. Strangely, I got really emotional when I drank that night, which never happens for me. I felt embarassed about getting emotional, because it was the first time one of my friends had seen me drinking and I didn't want her to think I was always like that.
Donnie ended up really pissing me off and I nearly kicked him out, but thought better of it because he wouldn't have had anywhere to go considering he didn't know anyone else. We didn't talk for most of Sunday, but ended up putting our differences aside and I took him to try some Springfield cashew chicken. My friends from St. Charles left Sunday morning.
Jessica and Sammie came over for dinner on Monday night. I made crab cakes which were very good to say the least. I made that along with a roasted red pepper dipping sauce from scratch, which was also very good. I was afraid it wouldn't be good to me, because it had ingredients I had never had before as well as sour cream and mayonnaise, which I am not a big fan of.
A couple days later we headed back up to Kansas City to hang out with Annie and Brandon before Donnie had to head to his next destination. Donnie and I didn't really talk much after the incident on Saturday, and when we did, we tended to snap at each other. It was nice when he finally left on Thursday, although I had to wake up at 4:30 in the morning to take him to the airport. After I dropped him off, I headed back down to Springfield. I returned to work on that Friday.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Pride Float 2009
I've been procrastinating on an update, but what else is new? I just went back to work after being on vacation for two weeks on Friday. It was an all right vacation, but it wasn't the best vacation I have ever had, although it did involve some of the best moments of my life.
On Thursday the 16th of July, my friends Launa, Julie, Ryann and I went to an event called Pride Float 2009 along the Niangua River. It is a five day long camping and floating trip for gay people and gay supporters. On Wednesday, we went shopping for the float trip, and went out for a late night snack afterwards. We ended up finding out that Julie lives in the same apartment complex as I do, which is sort of cool to know. It will be much easier for us to hang out.
We were only there for four days, but it was a lot of fun. I got the nickname of alcoholic for the weekend, because I drank the majority of the weekend, but hey, I was told the purpose of a float trip is to be drunk the whole weekend. That is what I intended to do. After all our friends had gone to sleep, Launa and I went for a walk around the gay pride side. Although we went for the pride float, we stayed on the other side of the camp because Julie's grandparents work there and we were able to stay there for free. The side we stayed on, we dubbed the straight side. As Launa and I walked back to our camp site, we passed a group of guys. They asked if we were staying on the gay side, which I said no. Launa got a little irritated I didn't say yes, but I wasn't going to take the chance of getting beat up by a group of guys. The guys yelled out, "Thank God!"
Friday, we spent the day wading in the river. We met up with our other friend Tiny, her girlfriend Amanda and their friend Erica. We sat around talking with each other, meeting new people, and Julie and Tiny played beer pong against a couple of guys. After spending the day at the river and severely burning my legs, we headed back to our camp sites to hang out there for the night. When dinner was done, we went over to Tiny's camp site to hang out. Later that night, Holly and Lindsey joined up with us for the rest of the weekend.
On Saturday, we went on the actual float trip part of the weekend. Julie thought Pride Float was floating on Saturday, but we found out they were floating on Sunday and so we weren't going to be floating on the day we'd planned... we were going to be floating with a bunch of straight people. It ended up not being too bad. We did run into a couple snags, but they weren't too bad. Just ignorant homophobic people along our voyage down the river. It became more entertaining the further we went down the river, the more drunk we all got. Cass, Erica's girlfriend joined us for the float trip too, and she ended up getting wiped out by a tree at one point. Erica and Holly jumped in after her, but the raft got further away and they had to swim to get back to us. Holly was trying to swim against the current and ended up having to be "saved" by us putting out an oar for her to grab onto because she was basically swimming in place. Showing how small of a world we live in, I found out Cass knows my friend Sammie.
One of the homophobic people we ran into was trying to get the girls to stop on a bank so she could have a "party." She assumed the girls were straight, so when they asked her to show her boobs, she got quite offended. The rest of the trip down the river, the girl would occasionally pass us. Her other friends were trying to talk to us, while she gave all 9 girls on the raft a death stare. They ended up being on the same bus back to the campground. The girl stole our cooler, but we got it back when some of my friends went out looking for it. How childish.
After the float trip, I took a shower. I was a bit more drunk than I thought I was and while in the shower, I fell flat on my ass out of the shower for everyone to see my naked body. I was embarassed, but pretty much finished my work and went on my way.
Saturday night, we went over to the Pride Float side, where they were having a "parade" type of event. They were making people that walked by show their penis or their boobs. I didn't do this because I never walked passed and was never seen walking up, which was lucky for me... not that I would have shown. The people staying in the campsite next to us came through and one of the guys showed his penis, while some of the girls showed their boobs. They were gloating the next day about how they were the life of the party. It was rather ridiculous they thought they had that much influence on the parade. They didn't do anything special that others weren't doing. On Friday night, one of the guys in the came site fell asleep in his car and kept laying on his horn at 6AM. None of us were very happy to be woken up by him laying on it and his friends yelling at him to stop. We were ready to shoot someone... not that we had a gun to do it.. we weren't happy needless to say.
Saturday went and passed. On Sunday, we packed up our campsite and headed back home. I got home, parted ways with Launa and got prepared for my friend Donnie to come to town...
The trip was a lot of fun and I would do it again in a split second. I'm hoping my friends plan to go back next year, because I would love to go again... especially because the web site says there are big plans for the 2011 float trip. I never thought I would enjoy floating down the river as much as I did, but it was some of the most fun I have had in quite a while and it has given me the opportunity to grow closer to my friends and develop new friendships.
With that, I think I will wrap up this blog entry. I plan to update on the rest of my vacation in a day or so.
On Thursday the 16th of July, my friends Launa, Julie, Ryann and I went to an event called Pride Float 2009 along the Niangua River. It is a five day long camping and floating trip for gay people and gay supporters. On Wednesday, we went shopping for the float trip, and went out for a late night snack afterwards. We ended up finding out that Julie lives in the same apartment complex as I do, which is sort of cool to know. It will be much easier for us to hang out.
We were only there for four days, but it was a lot of fun. I got the nickname of alcoholic for the weekend, because I drank the majority of the weekend, but hey, I was told the purpose of a float trip is to be drunk the whole weekend. That is what I intended to do. After all our friends had gone to sleep, Launa and I went for a walk around the gay pride side. Although we went for the pride float, we stayed on the other side of the camp because Julie's grandparents work there and we were able to stay there for free. The side we stayed on, we dubbed the straight side. As Launa and I walked back to our camp site, we passed a group of guys. They asked if we were staying on the gay side, which I said no. Launa got a little irritated I didn't say yes, but I wasn't going to take the chance of getting beat up by a group of guys. The guys yelled out, "Thank God!"
Friday, we spent the day wading in the river. We met up with our other friend Tiny, her girlfriend Amanda and their friend Erica. We sat around talking with each other, meeting new people, and Julie and Tiny played beer pong against a couple of guys. After spending the day at the river and severely burning my legs, we headed back to our camp sites to hang out there for the night. When dinner was done, we went over to Tiny's camp site to hang out. Later that night, Holly and Lindsey joined up with us for the rest of the weekend.
On Saturday, we went on the actual float trip part of the weekend. Julie thought Pride Float was floating on Saturday, but we found out they were floating on Sunday and so we weren't going to be floating on the day we'd planned... we were going to be floating with a bunch of straight people. It ended up not being too bad. We did run into a couple snags, but they weren't too bad. Just ignorant homophobic people along our voyage down the river. It became more entertaining the further we went down the river, the more drunk we all got. Cass, Erica's girlfriend joined us for the float trip too, and she ended up getting wiped out by a tree at one point. Erica and Holly jumped in after her, but the raft got further away and they had to swim to get back to us. Holly was trying to swim against the current and ended up having to be "saved" by us putting out an oar for her to grab onto because she was basically swimming in place. Showing how small of a world we live in, I found out Cass knows my friend Sammie.
One of the homophobic people we ran into was trying to get the girls to stop on a bank so she could have a "party." She assumed the girls were straight, so when they asked her to show her boobs, she got quite offended. The rest of the trip down the river, the girl would occasionally pass us. Her other friends were trying to talk to us, while she gave all 9 girls on the raft a death stare. They ended up being on the same bus back to the campground. The girl stole our cooler, but we got it back when some of my friends went out looking for it. How childish.
After the float trip, I took a shower. I was a bit more drunk than I thought I was and while in the shower, I fell flat on my ass out of the shower for everyone to see my naked body. I was embarassed, but pretty much finished my work and went on my way.
Saturday night, we went over to the Pride Float side, where they were having a "parade" type of event. They were making people that walked by show their penis or their boobs. I didn't do this because I never walked passed and was never seen walking up, which was lucky for me... not that I would have shown. The people staying in the campsite next to us came through and one of the guys showed his penis, while some of the girls showed their boobs. They were gloating the next day about how they were the life of the party. It was rather ridiculous they thought they had that much influence on the parade. They didn't do anything special that others weren't doing. On Friday night, one of the guys in the came site fell asleep in his car and kept laying on his horn at 6AM. None of us were very happy to be woken up by him laying on it and his friends yelling at him to stop. We were ready to shoot someone... not that we had a gun to do it.. we weren't happy needless to say.
Saturday went and passed. On Sunday, we packed up our campsite and headed back home. I got home, parted ways with Launa and got prepared for my friend Donnie to come to town...
The trip was a lot of fun and I would do it again in a split second. I'm hoping my friends plan to go back next year, because I would love to go again... especially because the web site says there are big plans for the 2011 float trip. I never thought I would enjoy floating down the river as much as I did, but it was some of the most fun I have had in quite a while and it has given me the opportunity to grow closer to my friends and develop new friendships.
With that, I think I will wrap up this blog entry. I plan to update on the rest of my vacation in a day or so.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Work and Other Things
Work has been extremely hectic and creating a lot of stress for me lately. We have a girl there right now that doesn't function at a high level and is always being restrained it seems. She has assaulted staff members, spit on them, thrown fits, etc. Tonight at work she was restrained twice and was in leather restraints for over five hours. She's been with us for the majority of eight months. It is so frustrating that they have not been able to move on her case and it seems it could be at least a few more weeks before anything is done. I hope she is kicked out of detention soon enough, because I have been dreading going to work and having to deal with her, as I am sure my coworkers have too.
Sammie got a promotion at work. Casey, the guy that was in charge of the evening reporting center got recalled in the military and has to go to Iraq for a year. As a result, Mike got promoted to Casey's spot and Sammie got promoted to a 4-12 deputy juvenile officer. The jury is still out on how I really feel about this. On the one hand it's a great opportunity for Sammie and I am happy for her, but on the other, I am afraid her supervisory role could change our friendship. We haven't been hanging out as much as we used to, and I just hope with her promotion it won't make us hanging out obsolete. I guess time will tell.
I've realized in the last few days that my dad and I have only talked on the phone with each other twice since I came out to them at the end of May. It's starting to weigh on me as we used to talk every week to every two weeks. I love my dad and I know he loves me too, but I wish things didn't change and that my parents weren't creating a distance between us. I'm the same person, my parents just know more about me now. I know they wanted me to grow up to have a wife and children, as that is what I wanted for myself too, but my mind and body say differently. I would wish this gay away the first opportunity I was given if I could, but I can't. I met with a PFLAG lady at St. Louis Pride and I am tempted to send my parents some PFLAG information, but I don't know if it would be unwarranted, or how my parents would respond to it. I've also thought about sending them a letter to express my feelings, but I don't know how good of an idea that is either. I want to bring us closer together and not create a rift between us.
I hope in time my parents will realize the error of their ways and come around.
Sammie got a promotion at work. Casey, the guy that was in charge of the evening reporting center got recalled in the military and has to go to Iraq for a year. As a result, Mike got promoted to Casey's spot and Sammie got promoted to a 4-12 deputy juvenile officer. The jury is still out on how I really feel about this. On the one hand it's a great opportunity for Sammie and I am happy for her, but on the other, I am afraid her supervisory role could change our friendship. We haven't been hanging out as much as we used to, and I just hope with her promotion it won't make us hanging out obsolete. I guess time will tell.
I've realized in the last few days that my dad and I have only talked on the phone with each other twice since I came out to them at the end of May. It's starting to weigh on me as we used to talk every week to every two weeks. I love my dad and I know he loves me too, but I wish things didn't change and that my parents weren't creating a distance between us. I'm the same person, my parents just know more about me now. I know they wanted me to grow up to have a wife and children, as that is what I wanted for myself too, but my mind and body say differently. I would wish this gay away the first opportunity I was given if I could, but I can't. I met with a PFLAG lady at St. Louis Pride and I am tempted to send my parents some PFLAG information, but I don't know if it would be unwarranted, or how my parents would respond to it. I've also thought about sending them a letter to express my feelings, but I don't know how good of an idea that is either. I want to bring us closer together and not create a rift between us.
I hope in time my parents will realize the error of their ways and come around.
Monday, July 6, 2009
StL Pridefest and the 4th of July
As always, I'm running a little behind on my blog entries... but what else is new? Last weekend, three of my friends and I met in St. Louis and went to Pridefest in St. Louis. After some very stressful and conflicts with friends, it finally happened. It was my first Pridefest, and I was very excited, not knowing what to expect. Although I was a bit disappointed, I still had the time of my life.
On Friday night, Barry, Patrick, Jessica and I met up with Jody and Tyler, two friends from St. Charles to go to the Cardinals game. The game was a lot of fun, but the Cardinals ended up losing 3-1. It was my first loss to see in the new Busch Stadium. The loss was a bit harder, because I have a few friends that are Twins fans and they of course had to rub it in that the Cardinals lost.
Barry, Patrick, Jessica and I went out to a gay club called Attitudes in St. Louis off of Manchester. My only other experience in a gay club was at Martha's in Springfield, where I tend to go out with friends. The culture of Attitudes was significantly different from Martha's. The atmosphere at Attitudes was that of a club in an inner city. We were even lucky enough to see a fight break out right in front of us. While at Attitudes, I ran into a guy I went to high school with. It had been about a year and a half since I had seen him at Martha's. We didn't say much to each other, but we said hi... a club isn't really the best place to catch up with someone.
After Attitudes, we went to Hardees for a late night snack. As we waited for our food, we looked at the Hardees and saw a bullet hole in the glass. That was very comforting to see as it was right across the street from our hotel.
On Saturday, we went to Pridefest. I thought Pridefest was going to be more of games, different entertainment venues, etc. It ended up just being a bunch of businesses and services advertising as well as a lot of little stands selling gay pride merchandise. The day was scorching hot. I'm still not exactly sure of what the temperature was, but I read an article that said it was well over 100 with heat indices over 110. After walking around the park a couple times and buying a few things each of us wanted, Jessica and I found a bench in the shade and people watched for a couple hours before we had to leave to meet up with my sister. I ran into a guy I had met down in Springfield a few months before and his friends. We talked for a few minutes before they went on their way.
One thing that really caught mine and Jessica's eyes were the anti-gay Christian group members trying to convert the unsaved, which was anyone that is gay in their eyes. When I saw them, I realized I had talked to one of the members earlier in the day. I didn't realize they were part of the anti-gay group. Although I consider myself an agnostic and currently don't believe in a God, I made the guy think I did just so I could go on my way. I don't think he was very pushy with me because he couldn't tell whether I am gay or straight. I got a kick out of the people that would tell them off on occasion. It's people like those church members that turn people away from God instead of helping them.
Jessica and I went to St. Charles to have dinner with my sister and brother-in-law. I came out to my sister in May over the phone. This was going to be the first time I saw her since I talked to her on the phone, and the first time I had seen her in six months. We hung out for about an hour or so before parting ways. Jessica and I got back to the hotel and took a nap while Barry and Patrick got themselves dinner. While I was asleep, Alfredo, the guy I had met earlier in the day from Springfield called me and wanted to meet up with me later that night.
We ended up going to a gay club called Just Johns. Although the club was extremely crowded, it was a lot of fun. They had three guys representing Broke Straight Boys and a drag queen for entertainment. The guys stripped on stage, did various contests against each other and had a dance off. The dance was very entertaining to say the least. The drag queen said that Alec, one of the porn stars needed a nelly boy to dance with. They chose Barry. The winner would get a $30 bar tab, and spend time downstairs in the VIP room with the Broke Straight Boys. Of course, Patrick had left with one of his friends during the dance. Barry ended up winning the X-rated dance that had Jessica and I rolling on the floor. I was happy, it got me a few free drinks. As Barry was downstairs with the boys, my worst fear came true; Patrick came back. He asked where Barry was, and I told him the truth. That created drama in itself, but we all smoothed it over and it worked out in the end. The night was great, but three of the four of us ended up puking that night.
I woke up Sunday morning, still drunk. I hate when that happens. We checked out of the hotel and headed to the gay pride parade. It was the second event I was really looking forward to that weekend. We parked our cars and watched the pride parade. It actually wasn't overly sexualized like I thought, but I still stand behind my opinion that the parade has lost its roots in the Stonewall riots that happened 40 years ago.
Continuing on the point of the anti-gay church at the park the day before, there were several anti-gay groups protesting more vocally at the parade. The guy near us kept yelling we were all going to be thrown into the lake of fire and there was nothing to be proud of, but everything to be ashamed of. It was truly a sad moment. It is so hard for me to grasp how these people feel they are doing God's will, or doing what the Bible says. Last I remember the Bible talks about love. Telling us we are going to Hell is no way of trying to save a person's soul. These people are the epitomy of why I am an agnostic. They hurt their cause much better than they help it, and work in direct contradiction of the Bible.
After the pride parade, Jessica and I waited to see Sandra Bernhard, the comedianne and singer from the 90's tv show, Roseanne.... one of my favorites. She was entertaining to watch. After she performed, Jessica and I headed back to Springfield.
On the 4th of July, my friends Jody and Tyler came down from St. Charles. We went to the Branson Landing, where I bought my 60th shot glass. We ate dinner at Joe's Crab Shack, which ended up making me extremely sick, because I recently got diagnosed with lactose intolerance. The crabcakes I had were loaded with butter, but was amazingly good and well worth it.
After dinner, we headed towards Chateau on the Lake off of Table Rock Lake in Branson where we watched fireworks. We didn't quite make it, as people were parked in the street watching the fireworks. I didn't mind as we ended up getting to see the fireworks. Although I had never seen that event before, it seemed less than a normal fireworks show. I guess the economic times called for cutbacks in the amount of fireworks. It was still great to see though. I was a tad upset, because Firefall, a Springfield tradition was cancelled this year because of economic hardships. The event I usually go to, 'I love America' put on by James River Assemblies of God was the night before, which made me a bit mad... it's the 4th of July, not the 3rd! It was my first year not going there since moving down here in 2005.
I had a great weekend, although I'm not really looking forward to going back to work. Only a little over a week left before vacation though!
On Friday night, Barry, Patrick, Jessica and I met up with Jody and Tyler, two friends from St. Charles to go to the Cardinals game. The game was a lot of fun, but the Cardinals ended up losing 3-1. It was my first loss to see in the new Busch Stadium. The loss was a bit harder, because I have a few friends that are Twins fans and they of course had to rub it in that the Cardinals lost.
Barry, Patrick, Jessica and I went out to a gay club called Attitudes in St. Louis off of Manchester. My only other experience in a gay club was at Martha's in Springfield, where I tend to go out with friends. The culture of Attitudes was significantly different from Martha's. The atmosphere at Attitudes was that of a club in an inner city. We were even lucky enough to see a fight break out right in front of us. While at Attitudes, I ran into a guy I went to high school with. It had been about a year and a half since I had seen him at Martha's. We didn't say much to each other, but we said hi... a club isn't really the best place to catch up with someone.
After Attitudes, we went to Hardees for a late night snack. As we waited for our food, we looked at the Hardees and saw a bullet hole in the glass. That was very comforting to see as it was right across the street from our hotel.
On Saturday, we went to Pridefest. I thought Pridefest was going to be more of games, different entertainment venues, etc. It ended up just being a bunch of businesses and services advertising as well as a lot of little stands selling gay pride merchandise. The day was scorching hot. I'm still not exactly sure of what the temperature was, but I read an article that said it was well over 100 with heat indices over 110. After walking around the park a couple times and buying a few things each of us wanted, Jessica and I found a bench in the shade and people watched for a couple hours before we had to leave to meet up with my sister. I ran into a guy I had met down in Springfield a few months before and his friends. We talked for a few minutes before they went on their way.
One thing that really caught mine and Jessica's eyes were the anti-gay Christian group members trying to convert the unsaved, which was anyone that is gay in their eyes. When I saw them, I realized I had talked to one of the members earlier in the day. I didn't realize they were part of the anti-gay group. Although I consider myself an agnostic and currently don't believe in a God, I made the guy think I did just so I could go on my way. I don't think he was very pushy with me because he couldn't tell whether I am gay or straight. I got a kick out of the people that would tell them off on occasion. It's people like those church members that turn people away from God instead of helping them.
Jessica and I went to St. Charles to have dinner with my sister and brother-in-law. I came out to my sister in May over the phone. This was going to be the first time I saw her since I talked to her on the phone, and the first time I had seen her in six months. We hung out for about an hour or so before parting ways. Jessica and I got back to the hotel and took a nap while Barry and Patrick got themselves dinner. While I was asleep, Alfredo, the guy I had met earlier in the day from Springfield called me and wanted to meet up with me later that night.
We ended up going to a gay club called Just Johns. Although the club was extremely crowded, it was a lot of fun. They had three guys representing Broke Straight Boys and a drag queen for entertainment. The guys stripped on stage, did various contests against each other and had a dance off. The dance was very entertaining to say the least. The drag queen said that Alec, one of the porn stars needed a nelly boy to dance with. They chose Barry. The winner would get a $30 bar tab, and spend time downstairs in the VIP room with the Broke Straight Boys. Of course, Patrick had left with one of his friends during the dance. Barry ended up winning the X-rated dance that had Jessica and I rolling on the floor. I was happy, it got me a few free drinks. As Barry was downstairs with the boys, my worst fear came true; Patrick came back. He asked where Barry was, and I told him the truth. That created drama in itself, but we all smoothed it over and it worked out in the end. The night was great, but three of the four of us ended up puking that night.
I woke up Sunday morning, still drunk. I hate when that happens. We checked out of the hotel and headed to the gay pride parade. It was the second event I was really looking forward to that weekend. We parked our cars and watched the pride parade. It actually wasn't overly sexualized like I thought, but I still stand behind my opinion that the parade has lost its roots in the Stonewall riots that happened 40 years ago.
Continuing on the point of the anti-gay church at the park the day before, there were several anti-gay groups protesting more vocally at the parade. The guy near us kept yelling we were all going to be thrown into the lake of fire and there was nothing to be proud of, but everything to be ashamed of. It was truly a sad moment. It is so hard for me to grasp how these people feel they are doing God's will, or doing what the Bible says. Last I remember the Bible talks about love. Telling us we are going to Hell is no way of trying to save a person's soul. These people are the epitomy of why I am an agnostic. They hurt their cause much better than they help it, and work in direct contradiction of the Bible.
After the pride parade, Jessica and I waited to see Sandra Bernhard, the comedianne and singer from the 90's tv show, Roseanne.... one of my favorites. She was entertaining to watch. After she performed, Jessica and I headed back to Springfield.
On the 4th of July, my friends Jody and Tyler came down from St. Charles. We went to the Branson Landing, where I bought my 60th shot glass. We ate dinner at Joe's Crab Shack, which ended up making me extremely sick, because I recently got diagnosed with lactose intolerance. The crabcakes I had were loaded with butter, but was amazingly good and well worth it.
After dinner, we headed towards Chateau on the Lake off of Table Rock Lake in Branson where we watched fireworks. We didn't quite make it, as people were parked in the street watching the fireworks. I didn't mind as we ended up getting to see the fireworks. Although I had never seen that event before, it seemed less than a normal fireworks show. I guess the economic times called for cutbacks in the amount of fireworks. It was still great to see though. I was a tad upset, because Firefall, a Springfield tradition was cancelled this year because of economic hardships. The event I usually go to, 'I love America' put on by James River Assemblies of God was the night before, which made me a bit mad... it's the 4th of July, not the 3rd! It was my first year not going there since moving down here in 2005.
I had a great weekend, although I'm not really looking forward to going back to work. Only a little over a week left before vacation though!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The Silence is Broken
Well, it's been three weeks since my dad had spoken a word to me, but he broke his silence today. The good news is one of my fears of coming out is not going to come true. I feared my dad was going to cut me off financially. My school bill was due, so I sent him the bill. He sent me an email back letting me know I have one year left of school before he cuts me off financially regardless of whether I am done or not. He wasn't very nice or cordial in his email, but at least it's a start. Hopefully it's a sign that he is coming around.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Drama for your Mama
Last Monday, I went to my doctor to find out the results of my colonoscopy. He diagnosed me with irritable bowel syndrome. As we were sitting there talking, he pulled out the dreaded pink slip. It is the slip that orders blood work to be done. He ordered a blood test to check for Celiac Disease, hyperthyroidism and to check to see if something is wrong with my kidneys or liver. The doctor also told me to stay off diary for two weeks to check for lactose intolerance. That has been the most difficult part so far. I eat a lot of things with cheese in it. As I scrounge around looking for food I can eat, I found out the majority of my food has dairy in it in some way. It has been a week since I have had dairy. Although I am feeling better, it is a bit discouraging that I may have lactose intolerance. For four days I lost all symptoms I had been having, but on the fifth day, I started having different abdominal pain and other symptoms like before. It's gotten me a bit concerned that I may have Celiac Disease. Its genetic and my cousin has it. It is suspected my uncle may have it too, but he refuses to get tested. It'll be three more weeks before I get the results of my blood tests I had on Wednesday. I do have to note that I am very proud of myself. I have a severe blood phobia. I only had a minor panic attack while they were taking my blood. I guess I am so used to getting poked and proded right now that it didn't bother me as much as it normally does. It'll be nice once all of this is over with and I can start taking care of the pain I am experiencing. It sucks being in so much pain for over two months now... although I am feeling better as the abdominal pain and other symptoms are no longer on a daily basis.
I got into a fight with my mom on Saturday. A few days back I took a quiz on Facebook that was supposed to tell you how gay you are. The quiz told me I was 'very straight.' I thought this was comical and posted it to my Facebook. One of my cousins on my mom's side saw it, put things together and assumed I was gay. My sister called my mom to tell her. My mom got angry and told me I was disrespecting her and my dad for posting that and trying to silence me. I tried to explain to her how this was my issue and not hers, and by her trying to silence my sexuality that she was disrespecting me. She didn't understand and hung up. I am once again angry with my sister for opening her mouth as she loves to stir the pot. I am tired of her creating drama.
A few months ago I bought six baseball tickets to the Cardinals v. Twins game in St. Louis as well as a hotel after a group of my friends and I decided to go to St. Louis for the weekend. As of tonight, I have had six friends cancel on me. An original group of 12 has now turned into a group of two. Friends of my friends have cancelled as well. It is frustrating that I firstly spent all this money up front only for my friends who promised they would go to cancel, but also because no one is sticking to the plan. This is the last time I am ever going to set up a big event like this as I don't want to deal with a bunch of people cancelling like this again. I was tempted to sell all the tickets and cancel the weekend trip, but I still have friends going to the game and I am going to enjoy the game regardless of who goes, as well as the entire weekend. I am trying to find some other friends to go with us to make up for the tickets that are currently going to be unused. Hopefully some other friends will say yes to going to the game.
I start summer school in the morning. I'm not quite looking forward to it, but I am happy to get the classes I am registered for out of the way. I am taking a fitness for living course that is required for graduation... I'm a little nervous about taking the class due to all the symptoms, recovery and illnesses I have been dealing with over the last two months. Hopefully my professor will be accomodating, because I am going to be glad once that class is over with! I am also taking a class I had to drop during the spring semester because of my illnesses. It will be an internet class, so I won't have to actually attend class. I'm hoping the class won't be too bad.
Its time for bed. I worked 8am-4pm this past weekend and it was exhausting!
I got into a fight with my mom on Saturday. A few days back I took a quiz on Facebook that was supposed to tell you how gay you are. The quiz told me I was 'very straight.' I thought this was comical and posted it to my Facebook. One of my cousins on my mom's side saw it, put things together and assumed I was gay. My sister called my mom to tell her. My mom got angry and told me I was disrespecting her and my dad for posting that and trying to silence me. I tried to explain to her how this was my issue and not hers, and by her trying to silence my sexuality that she was disrespecting me. She didn't understand and hung up. I am once again angry with my sister for opening her mouth as she loves to stir the pot. I am tired of her creating drama.
A few months ago I bought six baseball tickets to the Cardinals v. Twins game in St. Louis as well as a hotel after a group of my friends and I decided to go to St. Louis for the weekend. As of tonight, I have had six friends cancel on me. An original group of 12 has now turned into a group of two. Friends of my friends have cancelled as well. It is frustrating that I firstly spent all this money up front only for my friends who promised they would go to cancel, but also because no one is sticking to the plan. This is the last time I am ever going to set up a big event like this as I don't want to deal with a bunch of people cancelling like this again. I was tempted to sell all the tickets and cancel the weekend trip, but I still have friends going to the game and I am going to enjoy the game regardless of who goes, as well as the entire weekend. I am trying to find some other friends to go with us to make up for the tickets that are currently going to be unused. Hopefully some other friends will say yes to going to the game.
I start summer school in the morning. I'm not quite looking forward to it, but I am happy to get the classes I am registered for out of the way. I am taking a fitness for living course that is required for graduation... I'm a little nervous about taking the class due to all the symptoms, recovery and illnesses I have been dealing with over the last two months. Hopefully my professor will be accomodating, because I am going to be glad once that class is over with! I am also taking a class I had to drop during the spring semester because of my illnesses. It will be an internet class, so I won't have to actually attend class. I'm hoping the class won't be too bad.
Its time for bed. I worked 8am-4pm this past weekend and it was exhausting!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I Did It!
The burden of 25 years is finally lifted. I can't say it feels the great at the moment though. Although I know this was a great decision in the long term, it doesn't seem to have been for right now. In a way telling my parents didn't go as well as I thought it might have. I wasn't expecting them to welcome my homosexuality with their arms wide open, but my dad seems to have taken it worse than I had anticipated.
Earlier today I came to the realization that I had to enter into the now or never type of mentality. If I didn't come out to them today, it could possibly be quite a while before I'd be able to. I didn't want to go home feeling defeated and at the same time I didn't want to continue living in the closet, afraid of things popping up on Facebook that could out me to my parents. The only fair thing for them was for me to come out to them in person and without the help of anyone else.
I really don't have an extravagant story of how I came out to them. I basically told them I had gone through changes in the last year and I accepted myself as a gay person. My dad pursed his lips and stared at the blank screen of the TV the entire time. My mom asked the typical questions... "do you have a partner?" "when did you realize?" etc. My dad didn't say anything at all. My mom asked how he was and he said he was upset. I asked if he was mad at me and he just repeated he was upset. He didn't talk to me or look at me the rest of the night. I'm just planning to give him his space and time.
It hurt a lot that my dad responded the way he did. I understand it takes time for them to understand this and to support me, but it hurts that he won't even talk to me. I'm not an overly emotional person and it is hard for me to write this right now and not feel like crying. I'm on in Pittsburgh for another full day before I head back to Springfield. I hope and pray that my dad will start to come around or at least start talking to me before I leave on Friday. If he doesn't, I think I could be crushed and it may take some time for me to get over this experience. On the bright side, at least this is over so I no longer have to hide who I am, or worry about telling my parents in the future.
I ended up telling my sister over the phone as well. She was very supportive as I had assumed she would be. It went very well. She seemed happy and said it doesn't change anything between us. I have to disagree though. I think it may actually bring us closer together. Especially since we are supposed to hang out when I go to St. Louis for Pride Fest in June. My sister also told me she had her suspicions. My parents denied any suspicions they may have had.
I feel guilty because I could see the hurt my announcement had on them. I know being gay isn't my fault or their fault. It's not my choice, nor is it their choice and I have been a lot happier, confident and outgoing as a result of accepting myself. In time I hope both my parents will accept me and support me like they have before. I just hope they don't cut me off emotionally or financially. I've been through a hell of a lot, especially lately, so I know I will get through this as well. I know this full well, especially with the great friends that I have that already support me.
Earlier today I came to the realization that I had to enter into the now or never type of mentality. If I didn't come out to them today, it could possibly be quite a while before I'd be able to. I didn't want to go home feeling defeated and at the same time I didn't want to continue living in the closet, afraid of things popping up on Facebook that could out me to my parents. The only fair thing for them was for me to come out to them in person and without the help of anyone else.
I really don't have an extravagant story of how I came out to them. I basically told them I had gone through changes in the last year and I accepted myself as a gay person. My dad pursed his lips and stared at the blank screen of the TV the entire time. My mom asked the typical questions... "do you have a partner?" "when did you realize?" etc. My dad didn't say anything at all. My mom asked how he was and he said he was upset. I asked if he was mad at me and he just repeated he was upset. He didn't talk to me or look at me the rest of the night. I'm just planning to give him his space and time.
It hurt a lot that my dad responded the way he did. I understand it takes time for them to understand this and to support me, but it hurts that he won't even talk to me. I'm not an overly emotional person and it is hard for me to write this right now and not feel like crying. I'm on in Pittsburgh for another full day before I head back to Springfield. I hope and pray that my dad will start to come around or at least start talking to me before I leave on Friday. If he doesn't, I think I could be crushed and it may take some time for me to get over this experience. On the bright side, at least this is over so I no longer have to hide who I am, or worry about telling my parents in the future.
I ended up telling my sister over the phone as well. She was very supportive as I had assumed she would be. It went very well. She seemed happy and said it doesn't change anything between us. I have to disagree though. I think it may actually bring us closer together. Especially since we are supposed to hang out when I go to St. Louis for Pride Fest in June. My sister also told me she had her suspicions. My parents denied any suspicions they may have had.
I feel guilty because I could see the hurt my announcement had on them. I know being gay isn't my fault or their fault. It's not my choice, nor is it their choice and I have been a lot happier, confident and outgoing as a result of accepting myself. In time I hope both my parents will accept me and support me like they have before. I just hope they don't cut me off emotionally or financially. I've been through a hell of a lot, especially lately, so I know I will get through this as well. I know this full well, especially with the great friends that I have that already support me.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Coming Out to Parents: Take One
Last Wednesday, I started my vacation, but the day started out with me getting certified in CPR and first aid training. It was an all day event that ended around 4PM. I got on the road afterwards and headed up to Kansas City for a few days to visit Brandon and Annie. On Thursday they dragged me to see Star Trek with a couple friends of Annie's. Although Star Trek really isn't my type of show, the movie was decent and was worth the money. After the movie, we all went to an Irish restaurant and I had my first experience with lamb. It wasn't great, but it was OK. The stew it was in was mighty delicious though.
On Friday, Brandon and I took an adventure of finding Lenexa, Kansas. The day started out with us running late, so I was already a little uptight about getting to my appointment on time. We started making great timing and I thought for sure we were going to make it. The GPS system we were using told me to remain in the left lane. As we were coming up to a curve, all I saw was the left lane that ended up being an exit. We ended up taking a detour through downtown Kansas City. My frustrations were starting to show, but luckily we got to the Art Institute International - Kansas City just a couple minutes late. I was going there to check out their culinary program as I am considering getting an additional bachelors' degree in culinary arts. That explanation I will keep for another blog.
The guy I was supposed to have my tour of the school and initial interview with was busy, so I met with a girl around my age. She interviewed me to see if the program was a good fit for me or not. She concluded as I did that it was a good program for me. After the interview, she took me around the school, which I was very impressed with. The cirriculum seemed a bit overwhelming, but I know I can handle it and do very well.
Eaaaaarly Saturday morning I had to catch my flight to Pittsburgh. I woke up around 3AM, which is usually around the time I am going to bed. I got to KCI in enough time to catch my 5:45AM flight. I got to Pittsburgh about 10 in the morning. I stayed awake for a few hours, but decided to take a nap before the rest of my family came over for dinner. It was nice to see my grandma, uncle, aunt and cousin along with my parents. We enjoyed dinner and watched the Penguins hockey game.
On Sunday, we went to my grandma's house to have my favorite meal. My grandma's roast with carrots, potatoes, corn, homemade applesauce, salad and my grandma made a jello cake. My grandma said its called a Poke Cake. We were supposed to go to the cemetary after dinner, but it had rained much of the day so we decided to hold off until Monday.
Monday was Memorial Day, it started off with my dad, grandma, uncle, aunt, cousin and I going to the cemetary to place flowers on my grandfather's grave, who was in the Navy and fought in World War II along with my aunt's grave who died at the young age of 14 in 1970. We also put flowers on my great grandma and grandpa's graves and other family members.
Later in the day, my parents, my aunt, uncle and cousin went to my aunt's side of the family's house for a Memorial Day picnic. We had great food and a great time with family and friends. My cousin and I kept riding a wagon down the large hill in my aunt's family's backyard. It was a great day that wasn't too hot, nor too cold.
Today was fairly uneventful, although I did have a big plan. I was going to come out to my parents. As stated a few months ago, one of the purposes of coming to Pittsburgh was to tell them. The point at which I planned to tell my mom, I went to her bedroom, terrified. As I got to her door, I could hear her snoring. I went back to the living room and continued watching TV as I had been doing all day. As I looked to find any interesting shows coming on next, I saw "True Life: I'm Out" was coming up on MTV. I started watching and a little later my mom walked in the room. I thought it could be a little cheesy if I was watching a show about gay people and bringing it up to my mom. I sort of took it as an opportunity to poke around. A little while later my dad came home and we all watched the last 20 minutes or so of the show. Usually I would have quickly changed the channel, but I wanted to take it as an opportunity to see if my parents would mention anything. I think the show was a bit much for my parents to see as it showed a lot of the gay culture, such as gay clubs. I heard a few scofs from my mom. A commercial for a new season of Paris Hilton's My New BFF came on. I told my dad that was his show jokingly. My mom said, "I'd rather watch that than this show!" It didn't produce the results I had planned as a segway into coming out, but watching it helped me have a little confidence in bringing it up tomorrow. Hopefully I won't chicken out tomorrow as it will probably be my last chance of bringing it up to my parents before I head back to KC on Friday.
On Friday, Brandon and I took an adventure of finding Lenexa, Kansas. The day started out with us running late, so I was already a little uptight about getting to my appointment on time. We started making great timing and I thought for sure we were going to make it. The GPS system we were using told me to remain in the left lane. As we were coming up to a curve, all I saw was the left lane that ended up being an exit. We ended up taking a detour through downtown Kansas City. My frustrations were starting to show, but luckily we got to the Art Institute International - Kansas City just a couple minutes late. I was going there to check out their culinary program as I am considering getting an additional bachelors' degree in culinary arts. That explanation I will keep for another blog.
The guy I was supposed to have my tour of the school and initial interview with was busy, so I met with a girl around my age. She interviewed me to see if the program was a good fit for me or not. She concluded as I did that it was a good program for me. After the interview, she took me around the school, which I was very impressed with. The cirriculum seemed a bit overwhelming, but I know I can handle it and do very well.
Eaaaaarly Saturday morning I had to catch my flight to Pittsburgh. I woke up around 3AM, which is usually around the time I am going to bed. I got to KCI in enough time to catch my 5:45AM flight. I got to Pittsburgh about 10 in the morning. I stayed awake for a few hours, but decided to take a nap before the rest of my family came over for dinner. It was nice to see my grandma, uncle, aunt and cousin along with my parents. We enjoyed dinner and watched the Penguins hockey game.
On Sunday, we went to my grandma's house to have my favorite meal. My grandma's roast with carrots, potatoes, corn, homemade applesauce, salad and my grandma made a jello cake. My grandma said its called a Poke Cake. We were supposed to go to the cemetary after dinner, but it had rained much of the day so we decided to hold off until Monday.
Monday was Memorial Day, it started off with my dad, grandma, uncle, aunt, cousin and I going to the cemetary to place flowers on my grandfather's grave, who was in the Navy and fought in World War II along with my aunt's grave who died at the young age of 14 in 1970. We also put flowers on my great grandma and grandpa's graves and other family members.
Later in the day, my parents, my aunt, uncle and cousin went to my aunt's side of the family's house for a Memorial Day picnic. We had great food and a great time with family and friends. My cousin and I kept riding a wagon down the large hill in my aunt's family's backyard. It was a great day that wasn't too hot, nor too cold.
Today was fairly uneventful, although I did have a big plan. I was going to come out to my parents. As stated a few months ago, one of the purposes of coming to Pittsburgh was to tell them. The point at which I planned to tell my mom, I went to her bedroom, terrified. As I got to her door, I could hear her snoring. I went back to the living room and continued watching TV as I had been doing all day. As I looked to find any interesting shows coming on next, I saw "True Life: I'm Out" was coming up on MTV. I started watching and a little later my mom walked in the room. I thought it could be a little cheesy if I was watching a show about gay people and bringing it up to my mom. I sort of took it as an opportunity to poke around. A little while later my dad came home and we all watched the last 20 minutes or so of the show. Usually I would have quickly changed the channel, but I wanted to take it as an opportunity to see if my parents would mention anything. I think the show was a bit much for my parents to see as it showed a lot of the gay culture, such as gay clubs. I heard a few scofs from my mom. A commercial for a new season of Paris Hilton's My New BFF came on. I told my dad that was his show jokingly. My mom said, "I'd rather watch that than this show!" It didn't produce the results I had planned as a segway into coming out, but watching it helped me have a little confidence in bringing it up tomorrow. Hopefully I won't chicken out tomorrow as it will probably be my last chance of bringing it up to my parents before I head back to KC on Friday.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Colonoscopy
Today was my first experience with a colonoscopy. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. As everyone says the night before is always the worst because of the fluids you have to drink... boy were they ever right! I had to trade my schedule with Sammie on Sunday, because if I didn't I would have had to call in, which would have caused a strain on detention because we were short staffed the entire weekend. I ended up having to work a turnaround, which means I got off at midnight the night before and had to be back to work by 8AM. I got about two hours of sleep the night before, so I was definitely exhausted.
When I got off work, I had to start my Electrol solution that would help cleanse my colon for the colonoscopy the next day. The solution was extremely disgusting. I had a hard time keeping it down at times, but once I got used to it, I thought I would have no problems. As the night progressed and camping out on the toilet seemed to become ritual, I started feeling nauseous. After I while, I ended up projectile vomiting most of the liquid. The vomiting was so intense, I threw up all over Eyeris. After that, I went to bed.
Today, I woke up and had to drink the other half of the solution. I thought for sure I'd be used to it by now and have no problems. As I got to the bottom of the gallon container, I started feeling nauseous again. As what happened last night, I projectile vomited. I have never vomited with such intensity in my life.
I got to the endoscopy department near the hospital and checked in. The registration desk told me my doctor had been called to the hospital for an emergency and was running nearly two hours late. While I was filling out my paperwork with an admissions nurse, my friend Mary who was in the waiting room was asked by another guy waiting for his mother to be done with her procedure if I was her son. I found this rather hilarious as she is a month younger than I am and definitely doesn't look old enough to be my mother.
After a while, I was finally taken back to an admitting room where an IV was started and I would wait with my friend Mary until I was taken back to the procedure room. I have to say that when the IV was put in, it was the least amount of pain I had ever experienced with having an IV put in.
A little while after I was brought into the admitting room, I was taken back by a nurse to the procedure room. Dr. Mangum introduced himself and explained what was going to happen. He made note that my heart rate was very high. I looked at the monitor and it said it was in the 120's. I told him I had an anxiety disorder. Soon after, the nurse started the sedation medicine. I was afraid I would be awake, because I had been told I would be having conscious sedation, which means I am awake, but out of it for the most part. After the medicine was injected, I quickly became lightheaded and sleepy. The doctor came over and asked if I was asleep. I told him no, and he told the nurse to give me more sedation medicine. That is the last thing I remember.
After the procedure, I remember bits and pieces of what happened, but for the most part, the amnesic medicine was still in full force. My friend, Mary told me that I kept asking her the same questions over and over again. She said I was able to do things by myself, but I was just quiet and very out of it otherwise for the most part. Mary said when I was changing back into my clothes, I started laughing because I couldn't put my pants on.
Mary, her fiance Tim, one of his friends and I all went to Old Chicago for dinner. The medicine was still in full effect then as I was still feeling rather loopy and looking back I don't remember a lot of things. I know I somehow ordered a rootbeer, which goes against my no dark soda policy I created for myself a month ago. Dinner was delicious as always, and I was very careful not to stuff my face full of food.
After dinner, Mary and I went to Wal-Mart. I was really starting to come out of the effects of the medicine, so I started asking Mary questions I had already asked, but couldn't remember. She said the doctor had found a possible perforation in my colon which was caused by my chronic diarrhea. This was the cause of my bloodly stool, cramps and abdominal pain. She said if I have any abdominal pain or any cramping at all to take Tylenol. I'm not sure how they intend to fix the problem or if it will be fixed on its own. I guess once the results get back to my normal doctor, he may call me and things will be clearer for me.
I'm glad things went well. I am hoping the perforation will be fixed quickly, and all symptoms I have been experiencing will go away.
When I got off work, I had to start my Electrol solution that would help cleanse my colon for the colonoscopy the next day. The solution was extremely disgusting. I had a hard time keeping it down at times, but once I got used to it, I thought I would have no problems. As the night progressed and camping out on the toilet seemed to become ritual, I started feeling nauseous. After I while, I ended up projectile vomiting most of the liquid. The vomiting was so intense, I threw up all over Eyeris. After that, I went to bed.
Today, I woke up and had to drink the other half of the solution. I thought for sure I'd be used to it by now and have no problems. As I got to the bottom of the gallon container, I started feeling nauseous again. As what happened last night, I projectile vomited. I have never vomited with such intensity in my life.
I got to the endoscopy department near the hospital and checked in. The registration desk told me my doctor had been called to the hospital for an emergency and was running nearly two hours late. While I was filling out my paperwork with an admissions nurse, my friend Mary who was in the waiting room was asked by another guy waiting for his mother to be done with her procedure if I was her son. I found this rather hilarious as she is a month younger than I am and definitely doesn't look old enough to be my mother.
After a while, I was finally taken back to an admitting room where an IV was started and I would wait with my friend Mary until I was taken back to the procedure room. I have to say that when the IV was put in, it was the least amount of pain I had ever experienced with having an IV put in.
A little while after I was brought into the admitting room, I was taken back by a nurse to the procedure room. Dr. Mangum introduced himself and explained what was going to happen. He made note that my heart rate was very high. I looked at the monitor and it said it was in the 120's. I told him I had an anxiety disorder. Soon after, the nurse started the sedation medicine. I was afraid I would be awake, because I had been told I would be having conscious sedation, which means I am awake, but out of it for the most part. After the medicine was injected, I quickly became lightheaded and sleepy. The doctor came over and asked if I was asleep. I told him no, and he told the nurse to give me more sedation medicine. That is the last thing I remember.
After the procedure, I remember bits and pieces of what happened, but for the most part, the amnesic medicine was still in full force. My friend, Mary told me that I kept asking her the same questions over and over again. She said I was able to do things by myself, but I was just quiet and very out of it otherwise for the most part. Mary said when I was changing back into my clothes, I started laughing because I couldn't put my pants on.
Mary, her fiance Tim, one of his friends and I all went to Old Chicago for dinner. The medicine was still in full effect then as I was still feeling rather loopy and looking back I don't remember a lot of things. I know I somehow ordered a rootbeer, which goes against my no dark soda policy I created for myself a month ago. Dinner was delicious as always, and I was very careful not to stuff my face full of food.
After dinner, Mary and I went to Wal-Mart. I was really starting to come out of the effects of the medicine, so I started asking Mary questions I had already asked, but couldn't remember. She said the doctor had found a possible perforation in my colon which was caused by my chronic diarrhea. This was the cause of my bloodly stool, cramps and abdominal pain. She said if I have any abdominal pain or any cramping at all to take Tylenol. I'm not sure how they intend to fix the problem or if it will be fixed on its own. I guess once the results get back to my normal doctor, he may call me and things will be clearer for me.
I'm glad things went well. I am hoping the perforation will be fixed quickly, and all symptoms I have been experiencing will go away.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Worst May on Record
I've been trying to think lately whether the saying is bad things come in threes or if it's deaths come in threes. If it's bad things come in threes then I have met the three and raised it by one. If it's deaths come in threes, then I have one more death to go.
If April was the worst month of my life, May is definitely coming in a close second. As a person that has a phobia of blood, I have certainly had some bad luck with blood here lately. My phobia doesn't just deal with blood, but it actually encompasses anything that could cause blood to be present. For instance, my anxiety can elevate if I'm near a needle. On Saturday night, I went to have a bowel movement and as I looked into the toilet, I saw that my bowel had blood in it. As I wiped my ass, I saw that there was blood on the toilet paper too. This continued through the weekend. I set up an appointment at the Missouri State University Taylor Health and Wellness Center. After waiting over an hour and a half to see the doctor, he sent me over to get some blood work done. My blood platelets level ended up being high, but beyond that the blood work didn't reveal anything.
Dr. Muegge had three tests for me to do. The first test was he was going to look into my rectum to see if he could see anything from the bare eye. After that he inserted a couple of his fingers to feel around. The pain was so bad I could barely stand it. I was screaming. After a few seconds, he asked if he could do the final test. The nurse held up this device that was about six inches long and a couple of inches in diameter. They would have to insert the entire thing into my rectum so the doctor could look. I told him I couldn't handle it, which he agreed. He set an appointment for me to come in the next day.
I came in today and he informed me that because my mom has had issues with her colon, and my sister had been diagnosed with hemorrhoids and irritable bowel syndrome that it would be best if I had a colonoscopy done. He referred me out of the office and within the next 24 hours or so, the doctor's office is supposed to call me to set up an appointment for my colonoscopy. The colonoscopy will be within the next week or so. I'm on a fairly tight schedule as my vacation from work next Wednesday. I am praying that when they go in for the colonoscopy that the problem is minor and easily fixed. I'm concerned and trying not to get myself worked up, because bloody stool can be a sign of colon cancer. I know I should think positive thoughts, but at times like this it is hard not to think of the worst. I will hopefully be asleep for the procedure, although I am reading that you're not always put to sleep. I am going to make sure to request I be put to sleep for the procedure because even if they give me drugs and I'm awake, my mind will create anxiety. I'm planning to take up to three days off. Hopefully the recovery won't take long and I will once again be on the road to recovery quickly. Although we are not completely certain what is causing the bloody stools, I am thinking I may be having this problem as complications from my kidney stone surgeries last month.
I find it rather odd that I am such a healthy individual, but I have been so sick lately. I am hoping after I have my colonoscopy and whatever other procedure to get a rid of the hemorrhoids, or whatever it is that I will not have any more problems for a very long time. I think with last month and this month combined, I have been sick enough for quite some time now.
I got a text message from one of my friends from St. Charles earlier. She told me that Cecil, a maintenance man that worked at Wal-Mart while I was there had died on Sunday. He died of old age, but it was still sad to hear. It was always nice to see him and be able to talk with him. After I had quit Wal-Mart and I'd come back up to visit, he would always find time to stop by and see how I was. He will be greatly missed.
So, in the last month I've been hospitalized, had two surgeries, had bloody stool, going to have a third surgery... possibly four if the results come back as something that needs surgery, and two deaths... April and May combined have been the hardest and most challenging moments in my life. I need a break from life for a while... maybe if I could just go to sleep for about a month and spend some time in dreamland. Too bad that can't be reality. I guess all of what I am going through will just make me a stronger person in the long run, which is a very good thing, of course.
If April was the worst month of my life, May is definitely coming in a close second. As a person that has a phobia of blood, I have certainly had some bad luck with blood here lately. My phobia doesn't just deal with blood, but it actually encompasses anything that could cause blood to be present. For instance, my anxiety can elevate if I'm near a needle. On Saturday night, I went to have a bowel movement and as I looked into the toilet, I saw that my bowel had blood in it. As I wiped my ass, I saw that there was blood on the toilet paper too. This continued through the weekend. I set up an appointment at the Missouri State University Taylor Health and Wellness Center. After waiting over an hour and a half to see the doctor, he sent me over to get some blood work done. My blood platelets level ended up being high, but beyond that the blood work didn't reveal anything.
Dr. Muegge had three tests for me to do. The first test was he was going to look into my rectum to see if he could see anything from the bare eye. After that he inserted a couple of his fingers to feel around. The pain was so bad I could barely stand it. I was screaming. After a few seconds, he asked if he could do the final test. The nurse held up this device that was about six inches long and a couple of inches in diameter. They would have to insert the entire thing into my rectum so the doctor could look. I told him I couldn't handle it, which he agreed. He set an appointment for me to come in the next day.
I came in today and he informed me that because my mom has had issues with her colon, and my sister had been diagnosed with hemorrhoids and irritable bowel syndrome that it would be best if I had a colonoscopy done. He referred me out of the office and within the next 24 hours or so, the doctor's office is supposed to call me to set up an appointment for my colonoscopy. The colonoscopy will be within the next week or so. I'm on a fairly tight schedule as my vacation from work next Wednesday. I am praying that when they go in for the colonoscopy that the problem is minor and easily fixed. I'm concerned and trying not to get myself worked up, because bloody stool can be a sign of colon cancer. I know I should think positive thoughts, but at times like this it is hard not to think of the worst. I will hopefully be asleep for the procedure, although I am reading that you're not always put to sleep. I am going to make sure to request I be put to sleep for the procedure because even if they give me drugs and I'm awake, my mind will create anxiety. I'm planning to take up to three days off. Hopefully the recovery won't take long and I will once again be on the road to recovery quickly. Although we are not completely certain what is causing the bloody stools, I am thinking I may be having this problem as complications from my kidney stone surgeries last month.
I find it rather odd that I am such a healthy individual, but I have been so sick lately. I am hoping after I have my colonoscopy and whatever other procedure to get a rid of the hemorrhoids, or whatever it is that I will not have any more problems for a very long time. I think with last month and this month combined, I have been sick enough for quite some time now.
I got a text message from one of my friends from St. Charles earlier. She told me that Cecil, a maintenance man that worked at Wal-Mart while I was there had died on Sunday. He died of old age, but it was still sad to hear. It was always nice to see him and be able to talk with him. After I had quit Wal-Mart and I'd come back up to visit, he would always find time to stop by and see how I was. He will be greatly missed.
So, in the last month I've been hospitalized, had two surgeries, had bloody stool, going to have a third surgery... possibly four if the results come back as something that needs surgery, and two deaths... April and May combined have been the hardest and most challenging moments in my life. I need a break from life for a while... maybe if I could just go to sleep for about a month and spend some time in dreamland. Too bad that can't be reality. I guess all of what I am going through will just make me a stronger person in the long run, which is a very good thing, of course.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Derecho!
Yesterday was an interesting day to say the least. I worked the 8am-4pm shift at work, because a coworker needed the morning off to take one of his finals. As I was sitting at the counter in the Control Room eating a delicious Sonic Super Burrito and tater tots, I started hearing the tornado sirens going off. I looked at my other coworkers and asked if I was just hearing things. It had been rainy, but I had no clue it was supposed to get so severe. The residents had just gone into class for the day. Dave went into the classroom and made them all go back to their rooms and get under their beds as you are supposed to do with any tornado warning.
We turned the television on to hear there were two tornadoes south of Springfield. I texted Sammie to let her know there was a tornado possibly heading her way. As time went on, Sammie said she thinks there was a tornado at her house because the house was shaking. A few minutes after she sent that, the cameras on the outside of work started shaking badly. Hail was coming down hard and you could hardly see anything outside from the high winds, rain and hail. As I'm walking to the kitchen, everything goes black. I run back to the Control Room where I see we were under generator power.
The power stayed off for the next four hours, making for a very long day at work. Damage reports were starting to come in on the news, and one of the juvenile officers asked where I live. I told him and he said the guy in charge of maintenance was on his way to the juvenile office from that direction. There was widespread damage in the area. When I got home that night, I saw a powerline was down, siding got ripped off part of one of the buildings and the construction area of the new apartments got some damage as well. I've noticed some damage here and there around town. The Shell gas station not too far from my apartment had some of their roof above the gas tanks rip off, some signs got ripped down or damaged, some street signs are now facing a different direction and Evangel which is probably about a mile or so down the road from here had a large tree hit some cars and a building. One of the cars that was destroyed had part of the tree actually slam through the tire, which just showed the powerfulness of the storm. We all thought for sure we had been hit by a tornado, but it was actually called a derecho, which is a high straightline wind storm that is large in depth and width. It can usually last for a few hours. This storm lasted about an hour and a half or so. They said winds were up to 85mph at times. When I was at work I was worried because I had parked next to a lamp post that was shaking badly. I was afraid I wouldn't have a car to go home in.
I'm just glad everyone is all right and for the most part damage isn't too bad.
We turned the television on to hear there were two tornadoes south of Springfield. I texted Sammie to let her know there was a tornado possibly heading her way. As time went on, Sammie said she thinks there was a tornado at her house because the house was shaking. A few minutes after she sent that, the cameras on the outside of work started shaking badly. Hail was coming down hard and you could hardly see anything outside from the high winds, rain and hail. As I'm walking to the kitchen, everything goes black. I run back to the Control Room where I see we were under generator power.
The power stayed off for the next four hours, making for a very long day at work. Damage reports were starting to come in on the news, and one of the juvenile officers asked where I live. I told him and he said the guy in charge of maintenance was on his way to the juvenile office from that direction. There was widespread damage in the area. When I got home that night, I saw a powerline was down, siding got ripped off part of one of the buildings and the construction area of the new apartments got some damage as well. I've noticed some damage here and there around town. The Shell gas station not too far from my apartment had some of their roof above the gas tanks rip off, some signs got ripped down or damaged, some street signs are now facing a different direction and Evangel which is probably about a mile or so down the road from here had a large tree hit some cars and a building. One of the cars that was destroyed had part of the tree actually slam through the tire, which just showed the powerfulness of the storm. We all thought for sure we had been hit by a tornado, but it was actually called a derecho, which is a high straightline wind storm that is large in depth and width. It can usually last for a few hours. This storm lasted about an hour and a half or so. They said winds were up to 85mph at times. When I was at work I was worried because I had parked next to a lamp post that was shaking badly. I was afraid I wouldn't have a car to go home in.
I'm just glad everyone is all right and for the most part damage isn't too bad.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Boring Date
Oy! Well.. the wait is finally over. I finally met Nick. He was the guy I was supposed to go on a date with the day I ended up going to the ER. We were supposed to meet this past Monday, but I had to cancel then too because I had to drive up to St. Louis for Jason's funeral. It took a month for us to finally meet, but the wait was definitely not worth waiting.
We met at the Mud House downtown. I had a fruit smoothie since I gave up caffeine and decaffeinated coffee just didn't sound appetizing to me today. We sat and talked for almost two hours... or should I say he sat and talked for almost two hours. Nick rambled about the most random of things... primarily about things that didn't interest me. When I would chime in to either say something or change the subject, he would interrupt me and talk about the most random of things.. it sort of reminded me of someone that is ADHD. People would walk by our table and he would make fun of them, or laugh at them and as he talked about different things, I started getting the vibe that he felt he was better than certain people. He was cynical, talked about being gay constantly and he had a rather flamboyant side to him at times. Now, I am a pessimist turned optimist. This means when a person is overly negative or cynical it kind of bothers me and is a definite turnoff. I also understand that being gay is a part of our lives, but being gay is not such an integral part of my life that I have to constantly talk about it. Finally, this might be something I get over, or it might be me being too picky, but I am looking for someone that has similar mannerisms to me. He was just a bit too animated and flamboyant for my taste. He was a nice guy, but a second date is more than likely not going to happen. Not only did the date not go very well in my opinion, but I had to talk to him a few weeks ago about his clinginess towards me before he had even met me in person. Quite a few days in a row, he called me several times and texted me before I even saw he had called or texted. One day he texted me five times and called me three times. That's a bit much for me, especially because I don't do well with clinginess. I should have taken the hint with that, and the two postponements, but at least I finally got to see for myself.
I'm not going to hope to one day find someone I can spend the rest of my life with, because I'm totally content with being single, but I do hope that whatever is supposed to happen in regards to my love life happens in time and I have patience in waiting.
We met at the Mud House downtown. I had a fruit smoothie since I gave up caffeine and decaffeinated coffee just didn't sound appetizing to me today. We sat and talked for almost two hours... or should I say he sat and talked for almost two hours. Nick rambled about the most random of things... primarily about things that didn't interest me. When I would chime in to either say something or change the subject, he would interrupt me and talk about the most random of things.. it sort of reminded me of someone that is ADHD. People would walk by our table and he would make fun of them, or laugh at them and as he talked about different things, I started getting the vibe that he felt he was better than certain people. He was cynical, talked about being gay constantly and he had a rather flamboyant side to him at times. Now, I am a pessimist turned optimist. This means when a person is overly negative or cynical it kind of bothers me and is a definite turnoff. I also understand that being gay is a part of our lives, but being gay is not such an integral part of my life that I have to constantly talk about it. Finally, this might be something I get over, or it might be me being too picky, but I am looking for someone that has similar mannerisms to me. He was just a bit too animated and flamboyant for my taste. He was a nice guy, but a second date is more than likely not going to happen. Not only did the date not go very well in my opinion, but I had to talk to him a few weeks ago about his clinginess towards me before he had even met me in person. Quite a few days in a row, he called me several times and texted me before I even saw he had called or texted. One day he texted me five times and called me three times. That's a bit much for me, especially because I don't do well with clinginess. I should have taken the hint with that, and the two postponements, but at least I finally got to see for myself.
I'm not going to hope to one day find someone I can spend the rest of my life with, because I'm totally content with being single, but I do hope that whatever is supposed to happen in regards to my love life happens in time and I have patience in waiting.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
April is Over!
The month of April hasn't been the kindest month to me. In fact, I would list this as the worst month in my life.
My outpatient surgery went well. My friend, Sammie took me and we got there around 8:00AM. They were running late on my surgery, so I didn't get in until about 10:00AM. I was first brought to a room to have my vital signs checked. I only remember the first number, but my blood pressure was 142 over something, which is a tad on the high side. The nurse left the room and pulled a curtain to separate Sammie and I as I changed into my hospital gown. I looked at the table and noticed a surgery hat sitting there too. I said to Sammie, "Oh look, they gave me a hat! Oh wait, they gave me two hats!" Sammie said, "maybe they gave me one too!" There was a moment of silence as I was trying to figure out how to put the hat on my head. It took me a second to realize they were slippers for my feet. I yelled out, "ooooh! They're shoes!" I put the slippers on and walked around the curtain to stand with Sammie until the nurse came back in. When she did, she told me I had my slippers on wrong and fixed them for me.
As I was being wheeled down to the OR waiting room, the nurse walked away for a minute and told Sammie and I that we could do all our, "hugsies, lovsies and kissies now." Sammie and I couldn't stop laughing as she walked away. Later on some friends told Sammie she should have started making out with me to freak the nurse out.. Sammie said my blood pressure was already too high, she didn't want me to have a heart attack. Sammie wished me luck and I was off to the OR waiting room.
When I got down there, an anethesia nurse was waiting for me. She started my IV, which hurt because for some reason she put it into the side of my arm instead of where my arm bent. It caused a nasty bruise that I still have to this date. A few minutes later the staff that would be operating on me came to introduce themselves. The anesthesia doctor came over and after asking me questions for a little bit noticed I kept having anxiety attacks. He told the nurse to put some calming medicine into my IV that they usually don't give until we are about to go into the OR. I sat there pretty calm for what seemed like an eternity and they wheeled me in. I was asleep within a few minutes.
After I woke up, I was in the recovery room. I was taken into a private room to finish recovering. The nurses came in and asked what I would like to drink. They gave me a cup of apple juice and some water. Sammie says she came in a few minutes later, but I was still groggy. I don't really remember her coming in. After I was able to get up, the nurses told me I needed to urinate into a urinal for them before I could leave. I was escorted to the bathroom by a nurse, but when I went to pee I realized there was blood in my urine, so I couldn't go with my anxiety. I told the nurses this and they agreed to just release me.
Sammie took me home and my friend Danielle came over to take care of me the rest of the night. Danielle's mom brought us chinese food, and we hung out the rest of the night. We hadn't seen each other in quite a while so we took the time to catch up.
I spent the next few days relaxing in bed and lounging around the house. I had a ureter stint put in during my surgery and this time it had a string hanging out of my penis so that the doctor could just yank on the string to get it out in a few days. It was highly uncomfortable and painful at times to urinate. When it finally came out that following Monday, I was relieved.
Monday, my ureter stint was removed. A nurse yanked it out and it felt like a needle was being pushed out. It stung for a few hours afterwards and it hurt to urinate for a little bit, but other than that I was very relieved to have all the procedures done. I still have some discomfort in my left side where the surgeries were done, but as the days go on, the pain is less and less.
I returned to school and work on Tuesday, after about 16 days of being off of both. It was nice to finally have some real interactions with people. It took me a few days to adjust, but I finally did.
This past Friday night, I got an email from a friend back home with some devastating news. A good friend of mine, Jason recently died at the age of 25. His cause of death is unknown at this time, but it is suspected he may have committed suicide. Since I met him in eighth grade, he has had fascinations with committing suicide. I drove up for his funeral on Tuesday. It was an emotional day for me, but I'm glad I was able to attend considering the amount of work I had recently missed. I had spoken with Jason just a month and a half or so before, but I got concerned when I hadn't heard from him recently.
The funeral was emotionally draining. It was hard to look at all the pictures of his life, all his interests sitting on a table and the casket in the middle of the room. I was slightly happy to see it was a closed casket. Had it been opened, I think it would have been a lot more difficult for me to keep my composure. One nice thing about the funeral was that I was able to see some friends I hadn't seen since high school, in nearly 7 years. I was able to catch up with them and their lives. I was the only one living out of town. I had dessert with a few friends after the funeral, which was nice. After dessert I headed back to Springfield.
April was a trying month for me and I am just glad it is finally over. I just hope and pray that May will be an easier month and I can go back to thinking optimistically about this year as I did on New Years!
The funeral was emotionally draining. It was hard to look at all the pictures of his life, all his interests sitting on a table and the casket in the middle of the room. I was slightly happy to see it was a closed casket. Had it been opened, I think it would have been a lot more difficult for me to keep my composure. One nice thing about the funeral was that I was able to see some friends I hadn't seen since high school, in nearly 7 years. I was able to catch up with them and their lives. I was the only one living out of town. I had dessert with a few friends after the funeral, which was nice. After dessert I headed back to Springfield.
April was a trying month for me and I am just glad it is finally over. I just hope and pray that May will be an easier month and I can go back to thinking optimistically about this year as I did on New Years!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
My Little Hell
Well, life has been very difficult as of late, and I am very happy to be sitting here able to type this today.
Last Sunday morning I started having excruciating pains in my abdomen. The pains were making me fall to the floor, they were so intense. I could hardly walk without the pain coming. Luckily the pain would only last a few seconds before disappearing. In the same amount of time it was there and go away, it would come back. I didn't think a whole lot about it, but when I woke up the next day and the pain was still there when I tried to sit up or walk, I started to get concerned. I called into work because there was absolutely no way I was able to work. As Sunday progressed, I started becoming nauseous and getting a temperature. Within three hours, my temperature had skyrocketed from 99 to over 101. I called a nurse helpline and they told me I needed to go to the emergency room. I texted my friend Sammie and told her I needed a ride. She rushed to get me and took me to St. Johns Hospital.
We got there about 10:00PM. When I got there, my blood pressure was extremely high and my temperature was over 102. The hospital ran some blood tests and had me do a CAT Scan. The CAT Scan was probably the worst part of the entire ordeal, although I nearly passed out when they were drawing blood and starting my IV. Before I could go into the CAT Scan, I had to drink a dye that would allow the technicians to be able to see into my stomach and intestine. While waiting to be moved to the CAT Scan room, I become highly nauseous and ended up throwing up some of it. When I was in the CAT Scan room, they had to inject me with an enema so that they could look into my rectum and bladder. The pain was so bad it was very similar in intensity to the original pains that were causing me to be concerned. I was returned to my ER room.
I texted my friend Sammie who had been in the waiting room by herself since we got there 3 1/2 hours before that she could come back and wait with me if she wanted to. We sat there for a few hours, when a nurse who hadn't introduced herself told me I had to pee right then and there or she was going to do a catheter. I told her if she'd give me some water I'd be able to pee. She said I had to pee because they thought I had a kidney infection from my stone. I said, "stone?! What stone?!" She said, "Oops, the doctor hasn't come in to tell you yet?" I told her no. A little while later the doctor finally came in. She told me I had a 7mm kidney stone and my white blood cell count was extremely high so she felt I was probably fighting a kidney infection as well. With the information provided, she told me I should be admitted. I refused at first, but the doctor told me I was in a very bad condition and not being admitted put me at a very high risk for either losing my kidney or becoming septic. She said if I didn't start treatment immediately, I could become septic at any moment... most definitely within 5 days. Sammie talked some sense into me and I agreed to be admitted. Sammie went back to my apartment and gathered some clothes and other things for me. I was finally taken to a room 7 hours later at 5AM.
On Monday morning, a doctor came in to talk to me about my condition. He said I had a kidney infection, a urinary tract infection and a 7mm kidney stone that would require surgery to remove. He couldn't remove my kidney stone until I had my other infections cleared up. The kidney stone was blocking urine from getting out of my kidney and into my bladder, which was causing the infection. Later in the morning I was taken into surgery to have a stint put in between my kidney and my bladder to drain the urine trapped in my kidney. After my surgery, I started having continuous pain and discomfort in my abdomen. Dinner was nice because after two days of not eating or drinking anything I was finally able to eat. It was a turkey dinner, so I enjoyed every last bit of it. Monday night, I was woken up at about three in the morning because I had a fever and had to do some exercises to try and reduce the temperature.. I'm not sure if the exercises worked or not, but within a little bit of time I was back asleep.
Dr. Johnson came to see me Tuesday morning to let me know I would probably be released on Wednesday. He said because I was still having a fever and he was still waiting on my blood work to come back from when I was in the ER. Of course for lunch we had one of my most hated meals; meatloaf. I just kind of picked at my food and the same went for dinner. They served pork, which I do not like either.
Wednesday morning I was released around 11 in the morning or so. I was told I would go home with some pain medication and antibiotics. Sammie came to get me and took me home. I was told by the doctor to take it easy for the next week and after my surgery I could start doing whatever I felt comfortable doing. He told me I would have surgery to remove my kidney stone on Wednesday the 15th. My plan is to hopefully be able to go back to school and work on Monday the 20th.
Since I got home, I have still been having a lot of problems with pain. The pain medication doesn't seem to work very well for me. I tried to call the doctor's office, but they called me back when I took a nap. I've started taking walks in my apartment complex to regain my strength. It's amazing how such a small surgery can take so much out of you. I can't get very far right now before the pain becomes too much. I walked to the other side of the apartment building across from mine today and had to sit down for a little bit. I know next Wednesday I will have to start again from square one.
One of the sad things about the timing of my hospital visit is that I was supposed to have a date with the guy I mentioned in my last post. We were going to have coffee at noon on Sunday. I texted him early that morning letting him know I couldn't come. Luckily he believed me. I kept him informed of what was going on. He said he is willing to wait for me, even though I told him it would be at least a few weeks. Maybe I've found myself a winner for once! I guess time will tell.
Although I'm not looking forward to the surgery and I am very happy the worst is behind me as I hate staying in a hospital, I will be very happy when I won't have abdominal pain anymore. Pain in my abdomen has actually been something that has been bothering me for over a year. I'm sure it has been the kidney stone and I never thought about it. At least now I should know what a kidney stone feels like if I do get one in the future, which is bound to happen again. I've changed my diet a bit to avoid them in the future. I haven't touched cola since last Saturday and I haven't had any caffeine (beyond chocolate) since Tuesday. I also bought healthier chips and more fruits for snacks. Hopefully it will work.
Today is Easter and a couple of my friends are supposed to come over for dinner and to watch a movie. My grandma sent me a box full of candy and clothes. She sent me some chocolate covered pretzels from Sarris candy, which is by far my favorite place to get candy and is one of my favorite candies. She also sent me chocolate covered popcorn which is mighty good, and jelly bellies. I also got two shirts from American Eagle. My parents sent me a package too, but I haven't received it yet. I think they are sending me these more as a get well soon thing rather than Easter presents. I usually get a chocolate orange from my parents and that is it. Either way I am grateful for it all and I am looking forward to my friends coming over.
Welp, I think I am going to wrap this up and I will inform everyone how my next surgery went when it is done.
Last Sunday morning I started having excruciating pains in my abdomen. The pains were making me fall to the floor, they were so intense. I could hardly walk without the pain coming. Luckily the pain would only last a few seconds before disappearing. In the same amount of time it was there and go away, it would come back. I didn't think a whole lot about it, but when I woke up the next day and the pain was still there when I tried to sit up or walk, I started to get concerned. I called into work because there was absolutely no way I was able to work. As Sunday progressed, I started becoming nauseous and getting a temperature. Within three hours, my temperature had skyrocketed from 99 to over 101. I called a nurse helpline and they told me I needed to go to the emergency room. I texted my friend Sammie and told her I needed a ride. She rushed to get me and took me to St. Johns Hospital.
We got there about 10:00PM. When I got there, my blood pressure was extremely high and my temperature was over 102. The hospital ran some blood tests and had me do a CAT Scan. The CAT Scan was probably the worst part of the entire ordeal, although I nearly passed out when they were drawing blood and starting my IV. Before I could go into the CAT Scan, I had to drink a dye that would allow the technicians to be able to see into my stomach and intestine. While waiting to be moved to the CAT Scan room, I become highly nauseous and ended up throwing up some of it. When I was in the CAT Scan room, they had to inject me with an enema so that they could look into my rectum and bladder. The pain was so bad it was very similar in intensity to the original pains that were causing me to be concerned. I was returned to my ER room.
I texted my friend Sammie who had been in the waiting room by herself since we got there 3 1/2 hours before that she could come back and wait with me if she wanted to. We sat there for a few hours, when a nurse who hadn't introduced herself told me I had to pee right then and there or she was going to do a catheter. I told her if she'd give me some water I'd be able to pee. She said I had to pee because they thought I had a kidney infection from my stone. I said, "stone?! What stone?!" She said, "Oops, the doctor hasn't come in to tell you yet?" I told her no. A little while later the doctor finally came in. She told me I had a 7mm kidney stone and my white blood cell count was extremely high so she felt I was probably fighting a kidney infection as well. With the information provided, she told me I should be admitted. I refused at first, but the doctor told me I was in a very bad condition and not being admitted put me at a very high risk for either losing my kidney or becoming septic. She said if I didn't start treatment immediately, I could become septic at any moment... most definitely within 5 days. Sammie talked some sense into me and I agreed to be admitted. Sammie went back to my apartment and gathered some clothes and other things for me. I was finally taken to a room 7 hours later at 5AM.
On Monday morning, a doctor came in to talk to me about my condition. He said I had a kidney infection, a urinary tract infection and a 7mm kidney stone that would require surgery to remove. He couldn't remove my kidney stone until I had my other infections cleared up. The kidney stone was blocking urine from getting out of my kidney and into my bladder, which was causing the infection. Later in the morning I was taken into surgery to have a stint put in between my kidney and my bladder to drain the urine trapped in my kidney. After my surgery, I started having continuous pain and discomfort in my abdomen. Dinner was nice because after two days of not eating or drinking anything I was finally able to eat. It was a turkey dinner, so I enjoyed every last bit of it. Monday night, I was woken up at about three in the morning because I had a fever and had to do some exercises to try and reduce the temperature.. I'm not sure if the exercises worked or not, but within a little bit of time I was back asleep.
Dr. Johnson came to see me Tuesday morning to let me know I would probably be released on Wednesday. He said because I was still having a fever and he was still waiting on my blood work to come back from when I was in the ER. Of course for lunch we had one of my most hated meals; meatloaf. I just kind of picked at my food and the same went for dinner. They served pork, which I do not like either.
Wednesday morning I was released around 11 in the morning or so. I was told I would go home with some pain medication and antibiotics. Sammie came to get me and took me home. I was told by the doctor to take it easy for the next week and after my surgery I could start doing whatever I felt comfortable doing. He told me I would have surgery to remove my kidney stone on Wednesday the 15th. My plan is to hopefully be able to go back to school and work on Monday the 20th.
Since I got home, I have still been having a lot of problems with pain. The pain medication doesn't seem to work very well for me. I tried to call the doctor's office, but they called me back when I took a nap. I've started taking walks in my apartment complex to regain my strength. It's amazing how such a small surgery can take so much out of you. I can't get very far right now before the pain becomes too much. I walked to the other side of the apartment building across from mine today and had to sit down for a little bit. I know next Wednesday I will have to start again from square one.
One of the sad things about the timing of my hospital visit is that I was supposed to have a date with the guy I mentioned in my last post. We were going to have coffee at noon on Sunday. I texted him early that morning letting him know I couldn't come. Luckily he believed me. I kept him informed of what was going on. He said he is willing to wait for me, even though I told him it would be at least a few weeks. Maybe I've found myself a winner for once! I guess time will tell.
Although I'm not looking forward to the surgery and I am very happy the worst is behind me as I hate staying in a hospital, I will be very happy when I won't have abdominal pain anymore. Pain in my abdomen has actually been something that has been bothering me for over a year. I'm sure it has been the kidney stone and I never thought about it. At least now I should know what a kidney stone feels like if I do get one in the future, which is bound to happen again. I've changed my diet a bit to avoid them in the future. I haven't touched cola since last Saturday and I haven't had any caffeine (beyond chocolate) since Tuesday. I also bought healthier chips and more fruits for snacks. Hopefully it will work.
Today is Easter and a couple of my friends are supposed to come over for dinner and to watch a movie. My grandma sent me a box full of candy and clothes. She sent me some chocolate covered pretzels from Sarris candy, which is by far my favorite place to get candy and is one of my favorite candies. She also sent me chocolate covered popcorn which is mighty good, and jelly bellies. I also got two shirts from American Eagle. My parents sent me a package too, but I haven't received it yet. I think they are sending me these more as a get well soon thing rather than Easter presents. I usually get a chocolate orange from my parents and that is it. Either way I am grateful for it all and I am looking forward to my friends coming over.
Welp, I think I am going to wrap this up and I will inform everyone how my next surgery went when it is done.
Monday, March 30, 2009
It's Getting Lonely in Here
The dates have been set. Sometime between May 23 and May 29, the biggest obstacle currently in my life will come crashing down. That is the time in which I will be coming out to my parents. Although I'm not totally sure I am ready for it, and I dread it more and more as the dates come closer, I know I need to get it done. The sooner I do it, the better. Hopefully by the time I come out, I will be ready for it. I plan to come out to my grandma and my sister during that time too. I just pray for the best outcome.
I went to the dermatologist today, and he sort of pissed me off. OK, he did piss me off. Several years ago, I had very severe acne. Nothing worked for me, so my dermatologist at the time gave me Accutane; a highly controversial drug that is considered the "atomic bomb" for acne. It is intended for severe acne when other drugs have not responded. I swore up and down that I would never again go on Accutane because although its a highly successful drug, it was Hell for six months. I had body aches to the point I could hardly walk, my body was extremely dry and the worst part.. I had to have blood tests every month which resulted in me having to go on a diet because Accutane had raised my cholesterol.
Anyways, the dermatologist I went to today recommended I try three months of Amoxicillin and then if that doesn't work to consider going back on Accutane. I told him I have tried other prescription acne medications after Accutane that worked, but he said because of my age he doesn't want to experiment... I'm 25, its not like I'm 65! Oh well. I wasn't really impressed with him, but I am going to give the three months of Amoxicillin a try and hopefully it will clear up my acne. The funny thing is my face is practically entirely clear. Its my chest and back that has the bad acne, but I still don't even think its bad enough for Accutane. If its not cleared up in three months, maybe I can talk him into prescribing something not so severe... if not I guess I will find a new dermatologist.
I got asked out on a date the other day :) The guy sent me an email on my personal ad and I told him I'm interested, but he hasn't sent me anything back yet. Hopefully he will in a few days or so because he is attractive and it seemed we had some things in common according to his profile. He said I was very attractive, which is a huge confidence booster for me. I recently forgot that and its good to see someone is attracted to me. I think I will leave it at that for now.
I went to the dermatologist today, and he sort of pissed me off. OK, he did piss me off. Several years ago, I had very severe acne. Nothing worked for me, so my dermatologist at the time gave me Accutane; a highly controversial drug that is considered the "atomic bomb" for acne. It is intended for severe acne when other drugs have not responded. I swore up and down that I would never again go on Accutane because although its a highly successful drug, it was Hell for six months. I had body aches to the point I could hardly walk, my body was extremely dry and the worst part.. I had to have blood tests every month which resulted in me having to go on a diet because Accutane had raised my cholesterol.
Anyways, the dermatologist I went to today recommended I try three months of Amoxicillin and then if that doesn't work to consider going back on Accutane. I told him I have tried other prescription acne medications after Accutane that worked, but he said because of my age he doesn't want to experiment... I'm 25, its not like I'm 65! Oh well. I wasn't really impressed with him, but I am going to give the three months of Amoxicillin a try and hopefully it will clear up my acne. The funny thing is my face is practically entirely clear. Its my chest and back that has the bad acne, but I still don't even think its bad enough for Accutane. If its not cleared up in three months, maybe I can talk him into prescribing something not so severe... if not I guess I will find a new dermatologist.
I got asked out on a date the other day :) The guy sent me an email on my personal ad and I told him I'm interested, but he hasn't sent me anything back yet. Hopefully he will in a few days or so because he is attractive and it seemed we had some things in common according to his profile. He said I was very attractive, which is a huge confidence booster for me. I recently forgot that and its good to see someone is attracted to me. I think I will leave it at that for now.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Just an Update
Wow.. this is definitely overdue! I've intended to write in my blog a few times, but I always run out of time, or I'm just not sure what to say.
The year has been going fairly well. I've hit a few bumps in the road, but for the most part I have been doing very well. For the most part I have been sticking to my new years resolutions. I have been working on my self-image a lot lately. Although fairly superficial, I set an appointment with a dermatologist to see about getting some acne breakouts cleared up. For some reason, my face broke out around August of last year and for the most part I have consistently had a small breakout around my chin area. It has significantly cleared up and is nearly totally clear, but I still want to start something a little stronger than what I can get over the counter. I also have other parts of my body breaking out, so hopefully some doxycycline or tetracycline will help clear all of that up. I had really bad acne as a teenager until I was 20 and was put on the controversial drug, Accutane. I'm always paranoid my acne could get that bad again and want to make sure to nip this in the bud quickly.
I realized something rather interesting lately. As I am preparing to get back into the dating scene, I realized I'm not afraid of rejection, but I am afraid of hurting my pride. It is definitely something I am going to need to get over if I intend to date. Another issue I am facing is I have become increasingly insecure about my cheek bones. They seem to protrude out so much farther than they should. I've been working on fixing this insecurity and have been making progress. Hopefully I will get this over with soon as it is affecting my confidence, and confidence is definitely something I need more of.
Although I am making strides in the right direction, I have already broken one of my new years resolutions through no fault of my own. I recently found out I am going to have to put off graduating for yet another semester! I have to do this for two reasons. The first reason is that there is a class I have to take and it is every Tuesday and Thursday from 4-4:50. Unfortunately, those are two days I usually have to be to work by 4 and if I am unavailable those days, I can't have my weekends off, which is more important to me. The other reason is because I have to take two classes and they are both only available at the same time. I can't have a time conflict in my schedule like that, so I will have to wait until May of 2010 to graduate. It's very disappointing, but at least I know May 2010 will be my date! I can't believe it is going to take me eight years to get a four year degree!
My new years resolution that I have followed very well so far is coming out of the closet. To date, I have come out to 11 people since January 1, 2009. I made a huge decision and have been coming out at work. Although I originally didn't want to do this, I decided I needed to do it. I was tired of having to stop talking when someone that didn't know came around. I'm not totally out at work, but I am out to 25% of my coworkers and more to come in the next few weeks. It is invigorating being able to come out and finally be who I am. Its amazing how much more confidence I have as a result of coming out.
As I tell more people, I am realizing it is going to be harder to keep it from my family. I have decided on two contingent times of possibly coming out to my parents and sister. I intend to take two trips to Pittsburgh to visit my parents this summer. The first visit will be sometime in May and the other sometime in August. I plan to come out either in May or August. I'm preferring in May because I think it will significantly help me, but I know I may back away when it comes time. My parents may get suspicious I have something to tell them, because I plan to drive to Pittsburgh when I tell them. If coming out goes south, or I feel I need to leave, it will be much easier for me to get in the car and go home than to have to call the airport, get a new plane and pay a fee to do so. As it gets closer to the time I will decide which time period I plan to tell them. I can't believe where I have come from just one year ago when I started accepting who I am.
Well, I plan to update this a little more frequently than I have... and this may not have been much of an update, but oh well...
The year has been going fairly well. I've hit a few bumps in the road, but for the most part I have been doing very well. For the most part I have been sticking to my new years resolutions. I have been working on my self-image a lot lately. Although fairly superficial, I set an appointment with a dermatologist to see about getting some acne breakouts cleared up. For some reason, my face broke out around August of last year and for the most part I have consistently had a small breakout around my chin area. It has significantly cleared up and is nearly totally clear, but I still want to start something a little stronger than what I can get over the counter. I also have other parts of my body breaking out, so hopefully some doxycycline or tetracycline will help clear all of that up. I had really bad acne as a teenager until I was 20 and was put on the controversial drug, Accutane. I'm always paranoid my acne could get that bad again and want to make sure to nip this in the bud quickly.
I realized something rather interesting lately. As I am preparing to get back into the dating scene, I realized I'm not afraid of rejection, but I am afraid of hurting my pride. It is definitely something I am going to need to get over if I intend to date. Another issue I am facing is I have become increasingly insecure about my cheek bones. They seem to protrude out so much farther than they should. I've been working on fixing this insecurity and have been making progress. Hopefully I will get this over with soon as it is affecting my confidence, and confidence is definitely something I need more of.
Although I am making strides in the right direction, I have already broken one of my new years resolutions through no fault of my own. I recently found out I am going to have to put off graduating for yet another semester! I have to do this for two reasons. The first reason is that there is a class I have to take and it is every Tuesday and Thursday from 4-4:50. Unfortunately, those are two days I usually have to be to work by 4 and if I am unavailable those days, I can't have my weekends off, which is more important to me. The other reason is because I have to take two classes and they are both only available at the same time. I can't have a time conflict in my schedule like that, so I will have to wait until May of 2010 to graduate. It's very disappointing, but at least I know May 2010 will be my date! I can't believe it is going to take me eight years to get a four year degree!
My new years resolution that I have followed very well so far is coming out of the closet. To date, I have come out to 11 people since January 1, 2009. I made a huge decision and have been coming out at work. Although I originally didn't want to do this, I decided I needed to do it. I was tired of having to stop talking when someone that didn't know came around. I'm not totally out at work, but I am out to 25% of my coworkers and more to come in the next few weeks. It is invigorating being able to come out and finally be who I am. Its amazing how much more confidence I have as a result of coming out.
As I tell more people, I am realizing it is going to be harder to keep it from my family. I have decided on two contingent times of possibly coming out to my parents and sister. I intend to take two trips to Pittsburgh to visit my parents this summer. The first visit will be sometime in May and the other sometime in August. I plan to come out either in May or August. I'm preferring in May because I think it will significantly help me, but I know I may back away when it comes time. My parents may get suspicious I have something to tell them, because I plan to drive to Pittsburgh when I tell them. If coming out goes south, or I feel I need to leave, it will be much easier for me to get in the car and go home than to have to call the airport, get a new plane and pay a fee to do so. As it gets closer to the time I will decide which time period I plan to tell them. I can't believe where I have come from just one year ago when I started accepting who I am.
Well, I plan to update this a little more frequently than I have... and this may not have been much of an update, but oh well...
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